Day 61
19 Nov 2010 Leave a Comment
Sorry about the lack of writing, kid. Someday you will read this and think, man did dad start to slack of quick. I promise that is not it. Its November, and I need to focus my writing on this silly novel. I also have some school so that by the time you read this, there will be a successful tea shop in McHenry. Just a lot of work. I never forgot about it. It has pained me to not be able to write more often here. I am just so tired by the time I get a chance. I promise, once november is up, you will have lots of precious posts to ponder on.
Two months. It seems like so much longer. So many tell me that you will miss your life before, but its hard for me to think of that, and its only been two months. You just fit, so perfectly into my life. The tired nights, the busy days. The relaxing mornings and homemade meals. You are making us better. You make everything better. Daddy is growing up, changing his ways. Dinner is becoming a home ordeal. Life is just so much better with you and your smile. Oh, your smile. Like nothing else in this world. And your noises. The coos and gahs. I love talking to you. I love it so very much. It only gets better, it only gets better.
I read to you. I loved it. Some book about a bear. The ending wasn’t good though, so I changed it. I am worried I might be scarring you for life. I am worried you might have an irrational fear of bears. From the proper ending to bear snores on, the one where the bear eats all the cute forest animals, because that is what bears do, to my wonderful lullaby:
Bears eat people, bears eat people.
Bears eat people, yes they do.
Bears eat people, Bears eat people
Bears eat people, just like you!
Daddy is twisted. I am sorry if I cause you ailments. I am sorry if I have scarred you for life. But my son is going to survive the zombie apocalypse, dammit.
Day 46
03 Nov 2010 Leave a Comment
Love
I will never be able to share how much I love you. Never. Every moment, every smile. Every shrill shriek and every time you decide its time to pee the moment I take off your diaper. It is all so, unbelievably beautiful. Your wide eyes, taking in the world as your grow. Every day, you are growing. You are getting bigger, stronger, and smarter. I know what they say, but I know the gears are turning in there. You are taking it all in. Living in constant wonder of the beauty of the world created for us. Kid, I’m crying as I type this. It’s hard to explain how something so amazing can just keep getting better. At this moment, i just want to write an aside to all the asshats out there who like to say things like, just wait or it gets worse. Fuck you. Sure, life will get more challenging, but I think that you have a piss poor attitude to say that life with a child could ever be bad. It hurts them. So, if you have the desire to inform me that my unwavering love will fade when he hits a certain age, please dont. Its not needed.
Rolling over, holding your head up, if only for moments, and smiling. Oh how I love it when you smile.
No more of this, it’s time I get upstairs so that I can wake early to be with you.
Your smile lights up my life. You really are my sunshine.
I get it now, mom. I get it.
Day 36
24 Oct 2010 1 Comment
Bees Buzzing. Ants Marching
Oh, how busy we have been. Making sure you get the most out of life. Even in these early days, these days you will not remember. We have done so much for you. Zoos and cacophony and water slides and parks. Busy, busy,busy you are little cutie. And I can say that now. In the store, I saw a very ugly baby. Now I know, how lucky we are, to get such a cutie like you. I will always love you, no matter what you look like, you know that. But, still. My baby is cute, and that is very good. Cute and active. And awesome. Did I mention awesome, because he is. Someday, you are gonna start moving and talking and playing and enjoying those water slides. Always remember, Dads here for you. I know there will be times that you will forget and i will fail and it will seem like Dad is against you, but I assure you, I am always here for you, always loving you. You are my life, kid.
Cmon, buddy give me a smile. You are starting to grin, and I just want a taste. The animals are going away now, as the cold rushes in. Warm my mornings with your vibrant joy.
Vibrant Joy.
Day 28
17 Oct 2010 1 Comment
Chaotic Wonder
I know I will never have to deal with the level of craziness my love goes through. I know it, the tireless nights, the not being sure when one is awake or asleep. The stress, the pain, the beauty, the wonder. I know my experience is dull and boring in compassion. She has the fullness, in joy and strife, where I can aid, I can be a part, but my part in this just cannot be as intense. No matter how involved I get. Yet, there is still chaos. I find it funny how she keeps trying to figure out schedules, and interpret sleep patterns and feeding. I say, just roll with it, he is a mere four weeks. Yet, she still continues to derive all sorts of ideas and concepts from very loose data. I love you with all my heart, darling, i just think your rationality gets in the way. I know it is all out of love, but its just cute. Babies sleep. Babies do not sleep. There does not always have to be a reason, even if there is one. But, let me tell you, I can understand why a reason can help, even if it is completely wrong. No sleep, sun rising. Day beginning, yet eyes shutting. There must be a reason, that could make it all seem lighter. To take the weight off. I get it, I really do.
You have no idea the levels of respect I have for you and what you do, my love.
When everyone gets sick, life gets harder. I hate loosing my breath for this long, I feel like I am so useless. My one function, my one ability to rise above and do good, is gone. I can only try to help, but most of the time it comes up short. I hate that. My son needs me, and I am stuck, catching my breath from a set of stairs. I can not do much about it, other than wait as it clears up. It is clearing up, mind you. It was just difficult. To watch as my life came to a halt, all because of this silly disease. This chronic illness. This curse.
I hope you never have to deal with this, my son. This frustration, this sadness. I hope that the ailments of your family miss you. That you are able to live a life full of deep breaths, full of long nights. I hope that your life is nothing more than the fullest it can be. It’s gonna kill me when we find out. Whatever it is, that hinders your passion. You zeal. Your life. I know you will rise above it, and for most of your life, you will be stronger than whatever it is. But there will be moments, moments of desperation. Moments when you can not help those who matter most to you. I never want you to go through that.
I know G-d sends us trials. I know life is not easy, but to those who say my asthma is G-d’s way of keeping my humble, I respectfully disagree. And then continue with a fuck that. A loving father would never wish a compromised life on his beloved.
Day 27
14 Oct 2010 Leave a Comment
Colors Fall
Coming up on four weeks, kiddo. Its been such a wonderful time. Watching you grow, even in the slightest bit, blows me away. The way you move your arms, and make your little noises. It is just amazing. Outside the leaves fall and die, the trees prepare for the harshness of winter. My favorite season just got better. All of the memories, from childhood to minnesota, and then to my last three wonderful years married. As the wind blows past my face, they coming flooding into my head. Back inside, your face and the moment, the colors, the falling leaves, this is a memory. A memory I hope never to forget. Recorded in the recesses of my mind. Fall belongs to you now, Mark. Fall belongs to you.
I fed you for the first time. It was amazing. I was so scared, afraid that I would do it wrong. That you would come to know me as the one who does it wrong. But, it was right. And you were right. And everything was beautiful. It was worth the wait. So worth it. Sometimes, its hard to not be able to provide you with something as meaningful as sustenance. I can hold you and change you and love you all the time, but to be able to finally feed you, if only for a moment. I just don’t ever want you to associate me with the bad times. The coldness of baths, the oddness of changing. Those things that you wrinkle your forehead towards. I don’t want that to become me.
I don’t want you to end up wrinkling your forehead when I hold you.
But you dont. I hold you in my arms and you look up. No words yet, that would be silly. But in that moment a connection that few things feel. A connection I can only say I have felt with a handful of people. Nothing is wrong, nothing is right. It just is.
And it was very good.
Day 23
13 Oct 2010 Leave a Comment
My Ghost has a Shadow
Growing up. Growing up. Growing out and around, all over. At the moment of surrender, the point of abandoned plans, I stood victorious. Its never easy, but its not that hard. Life is meant to be lived, not hidden away by mis-truths and mis-tellings. Lies kept me safe, but safety was killing me. Now, I hide no longer, I stay out at night, I’m a big boy. Nothings gonna keep me down, nothing is gonna stop me now. Not even me. I am making myself better, more adequate. There has got to be a moment, there has got to be that time. This is that time. The wind cools the days, memories fill my mind. Its a good time of year, a time for change. For death and rebirth.
Death and rebirth.
And you continue on your way. A sniffle hear, a fussy moment there. Everything moving and working and turning around, yet nothing matters to you. Its all there, but you, you live your life, oblivious to the passing clouds, the destruction of bombs, the timelessness of a well placed soundtrack. You are you, and nothing more. Nothing less. Soon this world will tempt you, and start to slowly betray you into thinking you are something you are not. I can’t stop it, I can only be there. Holding your hand, reminding you of who you are. Of what you are meant to be. 100% Mark Robert, nothing more, nothing less. I won’t ever expect anything more than that. Shine on, my beautiful star.
Day 19
08 Oct 2010 1 Comment
Schedules
Life is busy again. So many things to do, all the time. Some fun, gotta have fun. Some for the future, to keep me moving forward, some is for right now. Changing, cleaning, laundry, holding, loving, moving, getting, refilling, changing, driving. All in the now, for the now. All good, all needed. To be a good father, a good husband, a good man. Then comes the future. Study, read, take notes, quizzed, corrected, argued, critiqued, restated, more reading. Its so close, the completion of it all. May not be what I always thought, but there will be time. there will be time. My mind is filled with numbers and figures and pain and fear and notes. The notes fall out wherever I go. Could be seen as embarrassing, but I care not. The music cannot be stopped. Do you tell the wind, stop being a breeze? The ocean, stop being so wet? I cannot contain all of it, it flows freely through my mind, bubbling over into my fingers, my feet, my vocal chords. Always keep time for that which drives you. My melodies will never be silenced, my pictures will always be taken. Keep making the funds to achieve your goal. It will be good. Life is better at 6400 ISO.
Time for family.
Time for school.
Time for passion.
Time for fun?
sometimes, it has to happen. Go here, play there. No more schedules in fake worlds, not for now. Too much commitment, not enough reality. The Campaign continues, the games continue. Just not as fervent, not as prevalent. More time devoted to the essentials, my family, my future, my art.
I have not played PS3 in weeks.
Not to say I never will, because I will. There are times I want to, but at this moment. At this point. There are other things to be done, other experiences to be sought. My computer still gets time, my piano still gets time, my guitar still gets time, my friends still get time, You still get time….All time is Yours. All time.
With all of this, I am busy. So very busy. Have not been this busy since before the great war. and it feels good. Good to have my time be more meaningful, to have something to be doing. To be busy, to be filled with things to do and think and say and live. To have schedules that I do not follow, yet still getting everything done. To feel the hours being precious, every second having meaning. I thrive in this environment. The more I have to do, the better I do. The stress is there, the frustration is there. But it propels me further. Goals get accomplished, growth takes place. In the tight places, in the busy moments, this is where my wings are spread. This is where flight takes place.
I am soaring.
Cut out the slow, the tired, the time sucking. Leave only room for that which matters. My little one, you keep me making sure, always trying to be better. Always growing, always reaching.
You make me a better me, and you are only a bowling ball in weight ( a small one at that!).
Day 18
07 Oct 2010 Leave a Comment
Motherhood
You are a saint, you know that? I know you have heard it from so many people. The causal, inspiring statements. You’re gonna be a great mom, they tell you. But who are they? What do they really know? But I see it. More than any other soul. Well, at least any other fully cognitive soul. Your patience astounds me. Every restless night, or even the sleep-filled ones, just seeing you, giving endless grace to our beautiful child. I see how long you hold him, feed him, try to calm him down. I know it might get frustrating to see how I can hold him and he calms down, yet you have the job of feeding and calming and all of that in one. If I could I would, and I hope you know that. But you really do deserve an award for how much you sacrifice, how much you work, how much you care. You are an absolutely amazing mom, and I am so blessed to have you as my wife. Just always remember to extend that grace, that patience to all of the loves of your life.
Our son is beautiful, my beaming beloved. You have done well, and you do well. Very well. I wake to see you, 100% being the best mom you can be, and as I fall asleep you are there, not an ounce of energy wasted. I know I sometimes am clumsy with my words, and you are sometimes not one to hear a compliment, but I hope you take this in. You are truly amazing. An amazing mom, an amazing wife. An amazing person. Every rock, every shhhhh, every pat on the back to keep the air coming out, i fall more in love with you.
You really do deserve 100 awesome points.
Day 14
03 Oct 2010 1 Comment
two weeks.
Everyone tells me how time flies when you become a parent. You close your eyes and suddenly they are going to prom. Graduating. Having your first grandchild. But, I keep closing my eyes, and my little guy is still a squiggly little cutie. Opening his eyes wide to all the colors of the world. Putting all of his energy into lifting his head. These two weeks have passed…like two weeks. It almost feels like it has been longer. Like time decided to lax itself for us. Giving a brief repose to allow us to enjoy the moments. In hindsight, time has dragged along. In the moment, it just seems to pass. Minute by minute. Day by day. All of my days, till time fades and life lets go of its boundries. The fullness awoken by the sound of shaking.
I made you fall asleep, little man. Your mother calls you that a lot. Our little man. I like it. I love all of the names she calls you. Its so sweet, no matter how silly they may be to anyone else. They are precious to me. Each one, just as meaningful and tear-jerking as the next. It was the first time you fell asleep without feeding, or sucking on something. It was magical. Far more than any apple product. To see your eyes, slowly close. Every time my heart getting lighter as I waited patiently for the moment of true slumber. You would jerk back awake and then it would recycle. Until finally, you were at rest. I felt so proud. Proud that I could rock you to sleep, if only for a few moments. Oh, what blessed moments.
I have come to cherish moments more. Moments of closeness. Moments of happiness. Moments of peace. Just a few, fleeting seconds of my beloved, smiling at me. Our family coming to fruition in our minds. A momentary kiss, touch. A moment of pure, uncontaminated, inlovedness. Like back in the days of love notes and journals. When we would hold hands for hours. We have not hours anymore, my love. But the moments are ever more sweet. A man once told me, I fell in love with my wife all over again when she became a mother. I fell in further in love with mine. There was no moment of recurrence. Just progression. Deeper is my love for you. To see your precious hands, holding our child as your face beams the light of our creator. Created, acting in the continuing art of creation. This is no fleeting love. The kind of love of high school. of preteen fiction. I have lost that kind of love long ago. Reading of it, reflecting on my unabashed folly, only assures me of how deep, how steady, how strong my love is for you. And it only grows deeper.
More moments continue to pass. Everyone an opportunity waiting to be cherished. I will cherish as many as i can. Photography will help me remember the rest.
Day 13
02 Oct 2010 3 Comments
Your music geek father
Your aunt gave me a good idea the other day. She told me about how she has a mix of all the music from the first year of cousin Vincents life. I wanted to do something similar, but realized the mix would be really, really long. So, this is what I am doing: I am making a mix for each month you are alive, at least in the early days. So, because September ended, and there was no need to be awoken, here is the first mix. Lots of Sufjan, Ben, and Jimmy. New music, good music. Driving you from place to place, they were your first tunes. Your first jams. Falling asleep to these sounds, as we drive to each new destination. Kiddo, I hope you enjoy some of this music some day.
Your First Moments: September
1. All My Days – Alexi Murdoch (we listened to this song on the way to the hospital and during labor)
2. In the Dirt – S. Carey (one of the chill artists we listened to during labor)
3. Luna Park – Signal Hill (Another song from the labor room)
4. Still Fighting It – Ben Folds (First song your dad played for you when you went back to the room.)
5. I Walked – Sufjan Stevens (Listened to this in the hospital after you were born)
6. Picture Window – Ben Folds and Nick Hornby (First time I heard this song was when I pulled the car around to pick you and your mom up. Have listened to their album a lot recently)
7. Heart is Hard to Find – Jimmy Eat World (First day home, went to my office with you and heard this song. It brought me to tears.)
8. Age of Adz – Sufjan Stevens (everything from here is music I have been listening to during september with you)
9. Doc Pomus – Ben Folds and Nick Hornby
10. Movielike – Jimmy Eat World
11. I Want to be Well – Sufjan Stevens
12.Claire’s Ninth – Ben Folds and Nick Hornby
13. Sunbeams – Moonlit Sailor
14. Downstream – Shira Kammen (song from Braid)
15. Mixtape – Jimmy Eat World
Dad has also been listening to some pretty epic tunes. Long, long tunes. Like these:
This Mix is Epic.
1. Impossible Soul – Sufjan Stevens (25:35)
2. Octavarium – Dream Theater (24:00)
3. 2112 – Rush (20:33)
4. All Animals – Riceboy Sleeps (20:19)
5. Echoes – Pink Floyd (23:29)
6. Gates of Delirium – Yes (21:56)
7. Four Egos, One War – The Tangent (21:15)
8. Thick as a Brick – Jethro Tull (43:42)
9. This is your Last Chance – Slow Six (23:55)
TOTAL RUN TIME: 3:44:40
Music is a huge part of your dads life, you better get used to it. I hope you enjoy my mixes i make you someday, i know i loved my Dads. Grandpa had some pretty cool tunes, and he gave them to me on cassette tape. You will probably never see a cassette tape. Maybe at a garage sale. Maybe.
