On being a father.

Day 513

Ace Waters III — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 15:08:26 +0000

It has been too many days since I last wrote you. I do apologize but my oh my have we been busy. Learning. Oh, how you learn. First standing, then walking, then running. Soon you will be jumping and climbing and falling. Watching your happy little feet trot clumsily along, the quiet rhythms resonating through the wood floors, I find so great a joy. It warms my heart. The squeal as you run to those you love. And how you love. One of my favorite things about you is how social you are. How many people in your life make you smile. make you giggle. Make you gasp in joy, your hand extending to theirs to drag them away into your world of blocks and balls and cars and pillows and box houses and blankets. Soon enough you will be calling out: Hey you, come play cars with me. I absolutely love it.

For the first time since you were born and I had the thought, “I want you to stay this age.” I have always been excited for the future, and I still am. But something about you, the way you run into my arms needing that moment of connection before you head back out into your world, just makes my life warmer. I know as you get older, you will get more independent. I just want you in my arms. I just love holding you, snuggling you. I can not make it more than a sentence or two through this without stopping to give you a kiss or a hug. I just love you.

The words. The words you know. How quickly you are learning. All fantastic and mind-blowing. I feel like so many can not understand the wonderful it is to hear you attempt to say broccoli or aiden or blue ball or chicken or bye bye daddy. Those little moments, those small accomplishments are the greatest and most powerful moments I have experienced. You learning, you growing…that is what gives soundtrack to my life. I love watching you say hello to your toys and bye bye to the fishes as we head off for a nap. And Uh-Oh. One of the scariest and best sounds you make. Even though it almost always means that someone dropped something, every once and a while, a mess has been made. A mess I wish could have been made on the potty. But all in good time my son. All in good time.

Giggle and smile. Crying and whining. Up all night, or sleeping soundly. You are my son, and I will love you. Always. In your best and in your worst. Continue to grow, learn, smile, play, care, love.

We need more good people in this world. I am so happy of the joy you already bring to so many. Kid, one day you are gonna move mountains.

Day 228: Lessons from Time

Ace Waters III — Sun, 29 May 2011 02:36:07 +0000

I noticed something the other day. My life as a father has fully reached normalcy. I can’t remember life before a child. I was looking at pictures from last summer of my friends and I hanging out at Lake Geneva and I realized “Wow, I didn’t have a kid back then.” It was strange. I could not fully comprehend it. It was so foreign to me. Having a baby is 100% what my life is. Being a father is who I am now. It was a powerful thing to realize. I am not saying I wasn’t committed before or anything, it just hit me how normal being a dad has become. It is the most jarring, powerful, and amazing experience I have ever had. The sun shines differently with you around kiddo, and now it shines like it should. Everything was different, but now, everything is just the way it should be.

You put things into place.

While looking through the pictures from the past, I realized something else. You are getting so big! It’s so hard to think of that tiny little life, held so delicately in my arms, as you smack me in the face. Laughing, yelling, screaming, crying. Moving, flailing, giggling, shining. You are getting bigger and more incredible every day. It is hard to see when I spend every day with you, but looking back its clear. You are growing and I like it. I still haven’t felt the sensation of time passing too quickly. It still seems like it has been 8 months. I have been taking it all in, getting as much as I can.

Day 207

Ace Waters III — Sun, 08 May 2011 03:51:18 +0000

I was sitting here, reading sad notes written on a dead womans wall. A woman you never met. As I sat here, contemplating my mortality and the mortality of those I love, I remembered something amazing. Something that needs to be written down, so it can be read, throughout the ages. It turned my spiraling anxiety into joy, just like that. That is how good this thing is.

It was the best moment of my entire life. And I dont say that like Uncle Mike, about things like Wrestling promos and Lady Gaga, this was truly the best moment I have ever had. Nothing comes close to meaning this much to me. Nothing has come close to this experience.

I was sitting on the floor in the living room, you were sitting next to me. Toys were strewn about, and you were smiling. There was a sense of correctness, like everything was perfect, messily in its right place. You were trying to get up, onto your cool three legged light up toy desk thing. It’s really hard to describe childrens things without adding excessive y’s, or z’s or ey’s or doo’s. I helped you stand up onto it. And then it happened:

Turning to look at me, you put all your might, and moved one of your feet, slightly closer to me. Now, this could have been enough to melt me down into a soggy paste of emotion, but no, you could not stop there. As you took your first attempt at a step towards me, you smiled and said, clear as day “DADA!” You moved towards me. You said Dada. I’m your Dada! and you moved towards me. Tears are starting to well up in my tired eyes, just recollecting the moment.

Perfection.

Day 199: In the middle of the night

Ace Waters III — Fri, 29 Apr 2011 04:06:33 +0000

You gotta start sleeping better, little man. It’s driving mommy and I mad. Not you, but the lack of sleep. Our eyes are getting heavy, and our spirits are weakening. Like the bottom of the jelly jar, being spread too thin between two pieces of sourdough. Every time you toss and turn, my heart stops. Every time you stretch, or roll over, it sends me into a paralyzing fear. Then comes the whining. First soft, spiraling into an all out roar. Reaching, looking, squinting. Demanding that we come to your aid. It’s wearing on us, kiddo.

Embrace the power of slumber. Let the night take you away into blissful rest. I know the world is just too interesting. You have so much you want to experience. Mountains are calling to be climbed, and oceans screaming to be swam. You have many hours left, countless minutes of excitement. It’s okay to take a few hours and sleep. Rest your eyes. Let your parents keep their sanity. Please, young Prince Mark, allow the King and Queen some time. Some time to rest their minds, to allow the world to have more color, more flavor, more peace. and peaches. always have more peaches.

And you are awake again. only 5 minutes this time.

SIGH!!!!

Small Steps: Day 185

Ace Waters III — Thu, 14 Apr 2011 02:53:21 +0000

From the first moment our eyes met, life seemed to be more vivid

Like a shade pulled up by a kitchen counter, everyone squinting to see what lies outside

All the pain and weathered patience, a slight infraction, due to the circumstance

forgiveness flows much quicker, when holding your perfect form

Now the days, ever more precious, for every moment, momentous

as your firsts become your favorites, and then into memories

The trees are patiently waiting, and in abundance to be your new best friends

their limbs ripe for the taking, and breaking, and building into something new

with your mind running wild, the world is your sandbox, ready to play?

Someday you will take small steps towards the door in anticipation, restlessly waiting

to find out what lies beyond, and though my mind will be scared to death, of every thing waiting to take

you and taint you and break you, i will know that its time to let go

and you will head out, steadfast into the world, ready to embrace every obstacle it sends your way

but i will be here always, waiting for you to come back. Oh G-d, please come back every once and a while…

I just ask that you teach me to take smaller steps, to appreciate every moment that we have

Day 180

Ace Waters III — Fri, 08 Apr 2011 07:53:15 +0000

Stay asleep, kiddo. Please, please, please stay asleep.

Please.

Day 175: Dadadadadadadadada!

Ace Waters III — Sun, 03 Apr 2011 03:30:27 +0000

You say it, I respond. Even though I am pretty sure its just a sound to you. A consonant and a vowel, easy to say. Babble over and over because it feels good. But, maybe just maybe your Da’s are more than just babbbling. Maybe…just maybe there is something behind it. I want to believe it. When I walk away and you start to yell “DADADADA!!!” The moment your beautiful, blue eyes meet mine you stop and smile. I love that I make you smile. More than before. I don’t even have to try. My nearness makes you happy, and that makes me melt. I just see you and you smile, bigger today than ever before. And the seriousness of dadadadada when he leaves, is heartbreaking. I wish you knew that I will be right back. I wish I could tell you, “Buddy, daddy is just getting you something awesome!” But to you, dadadada is gone and now it is a very sad time.

I want it to mean something. I want your first word to be DaDa. I don’t know if it is, or if you are just blissfully making sound, but I want so desperately to know if its true. If somewhere in your beautiful, developing mind, you have connected that sound Dada, to me. I will keep responding. Coming to your aid, to sit you back up right. Bringing you the greatest toys, showing you the wonders of string and hammer, being the best Dada I can possibly be. I will be there, until you know that I am here for you. That your Dada loves you more than anything. That your Dada is always there for you.

I wanna be there for you. It scares me. I wanna be there every morning when you wake up. I wanna walk you to school, watch you graduate. Help you through your first heartbreak. I worry, too much, that I wont get to. That something will take me. That something I can’t stop, I can’t control will take me from you. That paradise will be unbearable knowing what i am missing. This makes me go crazy. I am trying to fight it. Trying to hold tight to what I have. Trying to live only today and embrace this gift. But sometimes its hard. I want so badly to see your life. I hope and pray G-d gives me time to watch my little boy become a man. Dear G-d. Dear G-d. Have mercy on me a sinner.

_Dada

Day 132: On letting go

Ace Waters III — Tue, 01 Feb 2011 06:14:27 +0000

Alright kid. I think its time that this baby bird learns to fly. We have caudled you enough, its time for you to fend for yourself. The world is tough, but I think you can make it.

Just kidding. Even though you are growing bigger and bigger each day, I still think we have some time to cuddle and play. But I have been thinking about those days. About letting you ride your bike down the path with your friends, without secret cameras and pit-traps for any pedophiles who prowl in the prairie grass. Even though I know the chances, I still get worried. I need to stop. My life is too filled with worry. Worry I will get some obscure disease. Worry I will suddenly die of some unknown cause, that is less likely than lightning striking me dead in the shower. I can’t let it do this. I need to embrace life. For me, and for you. Cause I never want to hold you back. I want you to spread your wings and soar up to the sun. I want you to learn when you fall, the world wont end. I want you to live. And I want to embrace that part of my life, far more than the worrying about stupid things that will probably never bother me.

You are becoming more happy. It’s so wonderful. With your deep blue eyes and innocent smile. The sky borrows from pools of color contained within your iris and angels marvel at your beauty. Your laughter can melt the hardest heart, and your smile melts away all transgressions. with one reach of your small hands you are moving the world around you. Oh to see you grow. The clothes get put in the bag.

Keep being amazing. Never let the world tie you down. Fly, my child. Fly.

Day 128: Infection

Ace Waters III — Wed, 26 Jan 2011 05:33:03 +0000

Your smile. It is infectious. It’s supernatural. The most beautiful, fantastic, life-changing thing around. Seriously, I’m not kidding. Your smile moves mountains. G-d hides himself in the smile of a child. It’s even better when you smile for me. When I get that moment of connecting. The first communicated connection between me and my son. I hate to put words in your mouth, but when I look at you, and you smile back at me, I feel like you are saying so much. Like sorry dad for the past four days of crying, you know I love you right?

Making you laugh is my new favorite accomplishment. When your smile gets so big, it cant contain the happiness it was meant to communicate. You explode into laughter, so pure and wonderful. I am trying to take it all in when its happening, and let me tell you, i cant wait till you start walking and talking and eating and all of that, but I really am trying to live in the now. Take it all in. Because I will never get another time like this. Yet again confirming how being a parent really does change everything.

Day 107

Ace Waters III — Tue, 04 Jan 2011 05:32:06 +0000

Sorry I haven’t updated as much, little man. Life was busy for a while with school and writing. Then school ended and I spent most of my time with you. I think that is an okay reason to not write about you. I will try harder, but know daddy can sometimes lose track of these kind of things. Please forgive me. I will try my best.

100 days. Its been over 100 days. It is hard to believe. Life has gotten to the point where it seems like it has always been this way. Like life before you is just a faint memory. Probably because of how much better you make it. You are smiling like crazy now. As I held you tonight, your innocent smile touched my heart. My eyes get wet just thinking about it. The oceans that could be filled with the joyous tears of fatherhood. And i am not the kind of guy to hide it. Don’t ever buy into that. You can have feelings. You can express them. Man is not made of stone. Our hearts beat, just like any other.

You have gotten so strong and so smart. You can almost sit up on your own! We dance. My friends all laugh at the doofus I am with you. Someone told me, oh I guess being a dad makes you lame. I could care less. I love watching you smile and stretch and dance and pop it and giggle. Oh how your giggles are intoxicating! It takes me away. Life gets lighter, as I float into the clouds. You reach for the stars and shake your fists at the ground. You chew on giraffes and smile at santa claus. And your grandparents. They are truly amazing. I am so blessed to have such an amazing family. A few days ago I went out and played with the dogs after holding you for the morning. It was a religious experience. It was a religious experience. And in the end, I was so content, so absolutely joyous of everything.

Christmas was so much brighter with you involved. Even though you had no idea what was going on. The lights and the crinkling paper amazed you more than the toys contained within. Today took down the tree. Soon all remnants of Christmas will slowly fade away.

Uncle Mike is back in town now. Every day he shows what a perfect Godfather he is (no offense thomas…). I am so happy to have such wonderful people in my life, all surrounding you and helping you and taking care of you. It is sad the way he ended up back here, but life happens and we keep moving forward.

Something new happened today. It was terrible. For the first time since having you, daddy was sick. He still is, as these words are transcribed onto the screen. It was so sad, so horribly painful to sit there, and not be able to help you. To hold you, to get you to sleep in the ways only a dad knows how. I helped Nanner, and she did great. It is just so sad to see you crying, and not be able to do anything. It dampens my spirit ever so much.

Keep growing, little man. Keep stretching and smiling and giggling and growing. Every day seems so new.

I can’t wait.